Guilt

For reasons that I won't get into now, I am in hormone hell and my mind is a jumbled mess of thoughts so I apologize if this post gets a little random. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - way too much thinking - about motherhood, and I've been reading books and just trying to find my way through the maze of information to figure out what fits me and my family. I'm trying to control my temper better so that my kid doesn't have to go broke paying for therapy when he gets older because his mom yelled and screamed all the time. And most days I think I'm doing better. Or at least I was until the hormone hell started. But anyway, I think I have my problems with motherhood narrowed down to one word: guilt. As a mother I am constantly overanalyzing and questioning my every action and decision. If I say or do “x” will it screw him up? Will he still be able to maintain a relatively normal life or will he take a gun to school and shoot people? Obviously, we want to avoid the gun scenario. So therein the cycle starts and keeps going and going and going until I realize just how freaking insane I am becoming. And why don’t dads share in any of the guilt and second-guessing? Maybe there are some dads out there that do, but my husband isn’t one of them. However, in our situation that’s probably good because he can bring me back to the rational world and help me actually make a decision about things. For example, we’re thinking of moving the kiddo to a different daycare. I have weighed the pros and cons of each center, but it all boils down to the fact that I’m scared – scared to make a decision. Scared that it will be the wrong decision and it will screw him up. So we will sit down this week and discuss what to do. And you know, the fact that I’m even writing this is absurd and I completely understand that it is – and that makes it even MORE absurd. And maybe that’s one of the reasons I started this blog, because when I read this tomorrow I’m going to be saying to myself, “Well that was a little melodramatic over nothing, don’tcha think?” and I will realize how silly and insignificant my own problems are compared to so many other things that are going on in the world. ‘Nuff said.

Knitting Updates

I’m going to set aside this weekend to finish up uncompleted projects that just need ends woven in or something sewn together. So I will finally complete the baby cardigan and post pictures. In the meantime I’ll continue to work on the Mountain Colors sock (I’m about an inch past the heel) or the Koigu sock, and the new Dale of Norway baby sweater I just cast on for last night. Yes, you read that correctly. I have cast on for a new baby sweater before I have even finished the last one. And let me give you my first impression of this pattern. The people at Dale are cruel, cruel people. They entice you with their beautifully photographed babies in their freaking adorable knitwear. So you give in and order their Baby Ull yarn and size 0 and 2 circs and cast on 249 stitches. And that’s when it hits you exactly how long it’s going to take you to knit a freaking baby sweater on size 0 and 2 needles using fingering weight yarn. These patterns are for people who have 10 hours a day to do nothing but knit and knit really freaking fast. Folks, that’s not me. But yet, it’s still on my needles…