Discontent

That’s the pervading theme of my life lately. I can’t really put my finger on the reason why, if there even is a reason. It’s more likely a multitude of reasons all converging at once. All I know is that THIS is not what I had in mind as far as where I should be right now and I’m not happy. I’m pretty good at faking being happy though, which is important. Right? Because Lord knows you don’t want to LOOK unhappy and have well-meaning friends, family members, or daycare teachers asking if you are ok and dissolve into a puddle of tears or scream at them DO I FREAKING LOOK OK? So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Who knows? Maybe this is all just a mid-life crisis because SHIT, I’m turning 40 this year. Maybe this is because I’m married to someone who is never home and on those rare occasions he is home, his mind is somewhere else (there is so much more to it than that, but this is absolutely not the right forum to get into my marital issues). Maybe I’m just tired of doing it all myself - working full time and taking care of the house and the kids - and not getting to have a life of my own. Maybe it’s because I’m disgusted with myself due to my inability to get serious about losing weight. Maybe….hell, I could MAYBE this all day long.

All I know is that this feeling of discontent is starting to affect all aspects of my life now and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. For me personally, meds are not really an option. I know they are helpful for a lot of people, but I just can’t do them again. Ever. I suppose I could look into therapy but then I just feel silly calling up and making an appointment because I feel discontent. I have started working out and that is making me feel a little bit better, but I’m not really sure what else I need to do in conjunction with that. There are a couple of mini-vacations coming up soon, and they may make a difference, but at this point I’m not very hopeful. It does feel a little cleansing just to get this out of my head and onto my screen, but I’m not going to make a habit of it. So anyway, there you have it. It’s not a very positive update, but it’s honest.

Project

Last night I went to a class at a local store here called The Paper Crown. I saw the project example in the store and immediately fell in love, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pull it off. After taking the class, I can’t believe how easy it was. Seriously.

The background is a torn up Simplicity pattern, the skirt is a paper that features French post cards, the top of the dress is a paper with flocked polka dots, and the scallop at the bottom and ribbon across the midriff are a black and white striped paper.

The polka dots on the skirt are pieces of tissue paper. Of course, I added a picture of my girl to personalize it a little bit. It's going to hang in her room, after all.

And then we embellished with buttons, wired a hangar through the canvas, and painted around edges.

Quick and easy. It’s basically just decoupage, and now that I’ve made one, I want to do more. I'm thinking something in camo for my son's room...

Keeping it real

Last month I learned something about myself. Mother’s Day was approaching and I had some pretty specific ideas about what I would have liked to happen. I wanted breakfast in bed and my inner princess wanted to be pampered all day long. I wanted my kids to be loving, respectful, unselfish, and to use their indoor voices. I wanted my husband to buy me something – ANYTHING, even something incredibly inexpensive - that he lovingly and thoughtfully picked out. I also wanted to spend time with my good friend at the Oklahoma Fiber Rendezvous.

And then reality laughed and smacked me upside the head.

I got strep a couple of days before Mother’s Day. Then my husband informed me that he had to work. The entire weekend. While I was miserable with strep. And the strep sort of made the Fiber Rendezvous a non-issue. Then my kids decided to act like little hooligans and before long I found myself yelling. And then feeling guilty for yelling on Mother’s Day. I didn’t get a card or present from my husband, but I did receive little hand-made cards (the best kind) from my kids courtesy of daycare and school. Then my husband came home and informed me that we were all going out to dinner. I perked up until he said that his parents were going too (thereby killing two birds with one stone). And we were going to a buffet that serves crappy food.

Totally not the Mother’s Day I envisioned.

But I don’t blame my husband. In this economy, a paycheck trumps my inner princess any day. Yes, he could have been thoughtful enough to plan ahead and buy me a card, but that’s just not like him.

I don’t blame my kids. They were just acting like kids. They don’t stop being kids because I’m sick or because it’s Mother’s Day.

I blame myself. I completely set myself up for failure with the ridiculous expectations that I had. And I do this every freaking year. So this year after I had a good self-pity cry, I had an epiphany. I am the solely responsible for my own happiness. If I want something for Mother’s Day, I need to make it happen. My family is not going to do it. I need to lower my expectations and keep it real. As soon as I had my little a-ha, I got online and ordered my own Mother’s Day present and told my husband he was in charge of getting the kids bathed and put to bed. But aside from the whole strep thing going on and my husband having to work, I managed to take responsibility for my own happiness, change my attitude, and somewhat turns things around. But I bet I do the same damn thing next year.

My gift to myself arrived a few days later. It’s a necklace with two miniature charms that look like dog tags. Each one has my child’s name and birth date engraved on it, and their coordinating birth stones are embedded on the little tags. I love it. When I showed it to my son, he said, “That’s really pretty, mom. You should take that to work and show it to the people there. And you know what they’re going to say?” I looked at him hesitantly and asked, “What?” He said, “She probably went to Jared!”

(I didn’t, but let that be a lesson to those who don’t believe in the power of television marketing. Also, perhaps my son watches a little too much TV.)

Keep it real, people.

An update

Thanks to all of you for the prayers! My mother-in-law's surgery went very well. The doctor removed her kidney and the adjacent adrenal gland. He said that the cancer had definitely spread to the surrounding blood vessels so she is official stage 3 and there will be lots of future follow-up. If anything else starts to grow, they will attack it quickly and aggressively. He also said that chemo is not an option right now because they don't know where in the body the cancer will develop next. So it's basically a wait and see what happens, and we will continue to be hopeful.

And now I have to run so I can take cupcakes to daycare for my girl's 3rd birthday. Sigh... Three already.

Prayer needed

My mother-in-law, Judy, has had a few health issues here lately, and found out last week that she has a tumor the size of an orange on one of her kidneys. The doctor told her it was invading the surrounding blood vessels and they plan to remove the entire kidney. He is 98-99% sure it is malignant.

The surgery will be on April 17th, and she could use any prayers or good thoughts that anyone can spare. I’ll keep everyone posted on how it goes.

It takes so little to make me happy

First time EVER. Yay, Kels!

I'm so happy I'm willing to overlook the fact that her teacher spelled the word "potty" wrong.

Another actual conversation

There is a high school age girl who volunteers in one of the labs where I work. I usually have to unlock the door for her and today as we walked down the hall, this is the conversation we had:

Girl: So is that thing on your desk something you are knitting?

Me: Yes. It's a dress for my daughter's Build-a-Bear.

Girl: It looks really small, like for a baby. I didn't think you had a grandbaby or anything.

Me: No.....but I do have a two year-old.

And then inside my head I called her a bitch and walked back to my desk. I know I'm technically old enough to have a grandchild, but seriously. It almost makes me want to look into Botox.