Tuesday, July 28, 2009


That’s the pervading theme of my life lately. I can’t really put my finger on the reason why, if there even is a reason. It’s more likely a multitude of reasons all converging at once. All I know is that THIS is not what I had in mind as far as where I should be right now and I’m not happy. I’m pretty good at faking being happy though, which is important. Right? Because Lord knows you don’t want to LOOK unhappy and have well-meaning friends, family members, or daycare teachers asking if you are ok and dissolve into a puddle of tears or scream at them DO I FREAKING LOOK OK? So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Who knows? Maybe this is all just a mid-life crisis because SHIT, I’m turning 40 this year. Maybe this is because I’m married to someone who is never home and on those rare occasions he is home, his mind is somewhere else (there is so much more to it than that, but this is absolutely not the right forum to get into my marital issues). Maybe I’m just tired of doing it all myself - working full time and taking care of the house and the kids - and not getting to have a life of my own. Maybe it’s because I’m disgusted with myself due to my inability to get serious about losing weight. Maybe….hell, I could MAYBE this all day long.

All I know is that this feeling of discontent is starting to affect all aspects of my life now and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. For me personally, meds are not really an option. I know they are helpful for a lot of people, but I just can’t do them again. Ever. I suppose I could look into therapy but then I just feel silly calling up and making an appointment because I feel discontent. I have started working out and that is making me feel a little bit better, but I’m not really sure what else I need to do in conjunction with that. There are a couple of mini-vacations coming up soon, and they may make a difference, but at this point I’m not very hopeful. It does feel a little cleansing just to get this out of my head and onto my screen, but I’m not going to make a habit of it. So anyway, there you have it. It’s not a very positive update, but it’s honest.


Blogger Lisa said...

I'm sorry! I know you've got a lot going on on the homefront. I don't think its silly at all to see a therapist because you're discontent. An unbiased 3rd party is always a good idea in my book. They see this kind of thing all the time. Just having a place to go and get things off your chest may do wonders! You'll be in my prayers.


6:08 PM  
Blogger Krista said...

I am sorry I don't check your blog out--here I am a few weeks late, but boy do I relate! All I can say is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that later down the trail you will have more clarity, energy or support.

5:47 AM  
Blogger TexInTheCity said...

Dude, I know you read my blog so you KNOW that I am always chock full of angst. So you also know that I love, love, LOVE my Happy Head Person and can't imagine getting through my craptastic year without her.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


9:52 PM  
Anonymous Vanessa said...

I'm slightly unsure how I wound up here, but after reading your post I just wanted to say that I admire your honesty in laying it all out there. It's a risk to be so honest.

It may sound like a rationalization, but sometimes discontent is a good thing? It shakes us out of the 'walking coma' so easily slipped into in life, and can create the impetus for change.
But don't listen to me. I'm something of master at upsetting the apple cart. ;)

Otherwise, best of luck to you! (and I find that when in doubt, it never hurts to curl up with a good book and read!)

Take care!

5:40 PM  

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