Tuesday, August 31, 2010


So…..it’s been a long time since I posted anything here, huh? Yeah… There’s a reason and that is that I haven’t really had anything positive to say or anything good to report. Sure, some great things have happened to me, but they have all been overshadowed by the drama that has been playing out in my home. It’s always there in the back of my mind. This has probably been THE worst year of my life, starting from last fall to now. On top of facing turning the big four oh, I figured out that my husband was cheating. The outraged woman in me wanted to toss him out of my life. The mother in me realized that there was more than just my heart to consider here and that it might actually be best for the kids to keep the family unit together because, after all, he’s a really great dad. I know, I know, you should never stay together just for the kids and you should do whatever makes you happy because they’ll adapt, etc. It’s just not that simple. There are many other factors to consider here, namely my ability to provide them with a roof over their heads. I work full time, but I don’t make enough to support the 3 of us, especially after having to purchase another vehicle this summer. Yes, I would get child support, but that would all go towards daycare costs and I still probably wouldn’t be able to make ends meet. See? It’s complicated.

We started marriage counseling early in the year because I figured if we were going to try and stay together, we needed someone impartial to put us back on the right track (and perhaps he would learn a few things in the process). So far it has been disappointing. Don’t get me wrong – we are actually closer now and we are communicating better and he’s really trying to be a good husband, but we have spent an inordinate amount of time discussing MY issues and how they may have contributed to the downfall of the marriage. Not ONCE have we actually talked about what happened. I have been asked to read 3 books and he hasn’t been asked to read anything. When she started telling me she wanted me to confront my dad over issues from my childhood, that’s when I put on the brakes. It seemed like she was telling me that the reason I didn’t like my husband staying out all night with his buds was because I had abandonment issues with my father. I set her straight and told her that my issues with my father had nothing to do with it. I don’t like him staying out all night having fun with his buds and acting like a frat boy because I’m a WIFE and I don’t think ANY husband should do that. I seriously don’t think we’ll be going much longer because I am definitely not getting anything out of the sessions and the only thing my husband is learning is that there are no repercussions for cheating. Sure, the books have been helpful, but the entire process has been unfair to me.

So we’ve been trying to make it work and both putting in tons of effort, but it still feels like a lie. He cried and told me he doesn’t want to lose me and doesn’t want to lose the kids. I am constantly second guessing myself and questioning his motives and wondering if he’s still talking to her. I have no way of verifying it when he says he isn’t (he has his own cell phone account because his job pays the majority of the bill). And there have been some recent developments to this little drama that have left me reeling and even more unsure. He finally owned up to the cheating and not only did he cheat with the girl I knew about, but there was one other as well. And the girl I knew about was a long-term affair, possibly as long as 2 years (he’s not really sure when they met). I also found a profile for her on Pandora internet radio where she professed to the world how much she loved him and how he cherished her and would do anything to keep her safe and content. I have no way of knowing exactly when she wrote that profile so it could be 2 years old, but it really doesn’t matter. There is no trust. Is there still love? Yes. I will always love him. We’ve been together for 24 years and he’s the father of my children. But I’m unsure how to move forward at this point. I have received great advice from my friends and family, but the fact is that nothing I do is going to seem right at this point. Some of my friends are mad because I’m staying with him. Others will be mad if I leave. And if I leave, I will be the bad guy in my kids’ eyes. No matter what I do, I can’t win.

Driving home the other night, I had an epiphany. Every important male figure in my life has cheated. Every. Single. One. I have several friends that I know for a fact have cheated on their wives. I know tons of women who have cheated. I don’t condone what they did, but I don’t judge them either. My point here is that I think most men are going to cheat. There are probably a few who would never consider it, but most men are selfish and they are absolutely going to go for it if they get an opportunity. I don’t think the dating pool out there has anything better to offer me, especially at my age, so am I better off just staying where I’m at? Maybe. Does that mean it’s ok? Hell. No. But it does give me a little different perspective. I found a video online the other day and it was someone interviewing the mistresses of several married men, and they were explaining exactly WHY those men were cheating. They fulfill a need that the wife isn’t providing. It doesn’t matter WHY the wife isn’t providing it. It doesn’t matter if she’s tired after working all day, making dinner, taking care of the kids and the house and doesn’t feel like getting out of bed at 2:00 in the morning to be all June Cleaver-like when he comes strolling in the door. It doesn’t matter that the husband isn’t meeting the wife’s needs either or that he’s being an inconsiderate ass. Our society places more value on men than women. Men are still paid more than women in a lot of fields and it’s all about what men want or need. My counselor proved that, and she’s a self-proclaimed feminist.

I can’t predict the future and I still don’t know what’s going to happen, but as of right now I’m staying with him. It’s my decision and I honestly don’t care who gets upset with me anymore because it’s MY life. However, if I find out he’s seeing that heifer again or anyone else, the kids and I will absolutely leave, and if I have to, I will sell everything we own to provide for them. I’m not a complete doormat. In the meantime, I am working on forgiveness and he is working on earning my trust. Maybe we’ll be able to meet in the middle. Either way, I’m tired of smiling and pretending that everything is ok.

ALSO…..since many of you know me on Facebook, please do not comment about this on there. I am “friends” with many of his family members and I do not want them to know what is going on and risk them saying something to my kids. Besides, I like to keep my mental breakdowns as anonymous as possible. And speaking of anonymous…it was frighteningly easy to find information on that woman. Within an hour, I knew her parents’ names, sibling names, the cities where they live, some husband names, where her dad works, her daughter and granddaughter’s names and where they live, her divorce records, her full name, etc. And there was tons more. People, THAT is scary. There is a website out there where you can put in a person’s email address and it will pull up if you are a member of any social networks, or if you have a blog associated with that email address, and many other things (which is how I found her Pandora account). I put my email address in there and it pulled up pictures of my kids. MY KIDS. And it showed a face picture I had posted on MySpace. This entire situation has made me paranoid about security and I have set everything to either private or friends only. I also deleted my MySpace account. I may delete this blog as well or at least set it to private. The website I’m referring to is www.spokeo.com and if it pulls up anything you don’t want shared, copy the URL for your results page, scroll down to the bottom and click on Privacy and there will be a link to opt out where you paste the URL. I did this for every email account I have. Also, spokeo is not the only website out there that searches for people on social networks. Be aware and be wary, friends.