Stuff

So…..it’s been a long time since I posted anything here, huh? Yeah… There’s a reason and that is that I haven’t really had anything positive to say or anything good to report. Sure, some great things have happened to me, but they have all been overshadowed by the drama that has been playing out in my home. It’s always there in the back of my mind. This has probably been THE worst year of my life, starting from last fall to now. On top of facing turning the big four oh, I figured out that my husband was cheating. The outraged woman in me wanted to toss him out of my life. The mother in me realized that there was more than just my heart to consider here and that it might actually be best for the kids to keep the family unit together because, after all, he’s a really great dad. I know, I know, you should never stay together just for the kids and you should do whatever makes you happy because they’ll adapt, etc. It’s just not that simple. There are many other factors to consider here, namely my ability to provide them with a roof over their heads. I work full time, but I don’t make enough to support the 3 of us, especially after having to purchase another vehicle this summer. Yes, I would get child support, but that would all go towards daycare costs and I still probably wouldn’t be able to make ends meet. See? It’s complicated.

We started marriage counseling early in the year because I figured if we were going to try and stay together, we needed someone impartial to put us back on the right track (and perhaps he would learn a few things in the process). So far it has been disappointing. Don’t get me wrong – we are actually closer now and we are communicating better and he’s really trying to be a good husband, but we have spent an inordinate amount of time discussing MY issues and how they may have contributed to the downfall of the marriage. Not ONCE have we actually talked about what happened. I have been asked to read 3 books and he hasn’t been asked to read anything. When she started telling me she wanted me to confront my dad over issues from my childhood, that’s when I put on the brakes. It seemed like she was telling me that the reason I didn’t like my husband staying out all night with his buds was because I had abandonment issues with my father. I set her straight and told her that my issues with my father had nothing to do with it. I don’t like him staying out all night having fun with his buds and acting like a frat boy because I’m a WIFE and I don’t think ANY husband should do that. I seriously don’t think we’ll be going much longer because I am definitely not getting anything out of the sessions and the only thing my husband is learning is that there are no repercussions for cheating. Sure, the books have been helpful, but the entire process has been unfair to me.

So we’ve been trying to make it work and both putting in tons of effort, but it still feels like a lie. He cried and told me he doesn’t want to lose me and doesn’t want to lose the kids. I am constantly second guessing myself and questioning his motives and wondering if he’s still talking to her. I have no way of verifying it when he says he isn’t (he has his own cell phone account because his job pays the majority of the bill). And there have been some recent developments to this little drama that have left me reeling and even more unsure. He finally owned up to the cheating and not only did he cheat with the girl I knew about, but there was one other as well. And the girl I knew about was a long-term affair, possibly as long as 2 years (he’s not really sure when they met). I also found a profile for her on Pandora internet radio where she professed to the world how much she loved him and how he cherished her and would do anything to keep her safe and content. I have no way of knowing exactly when she wrote that profile so it could be 2 years old, but it really doesn’t matter. There is no trust. Is there still love? Yes. I will always love him. We’ve been together for 24 years and he’s the father of my children. But I’m unsure how to move forward at this point. I have received great advice from my friends and family, but the fact is that nothing I do is going to seem right at this point. Some of my friends are mad because I’m staying with him. Others will be mad if I leave. And if I leave, I will be the bad guy in my kids’ eyes. No matter what I do, I can’t win.

Driving home the other night, I had an epiphany. Every important male figure in my life has cheated. Every. Single. One. I have several friends that I know for a fact have cheated on their wives. I know tons of women who have cheated. I don’t condone what they did, but I don’t judge them either. My point here is that I think most men are going to cheat. There are probably a few who would never consider it, but most men are selfish and they are absolutely going to go for it if they get an opportunity. I don’t think the dating pool out there has anything better to offer me, especially at my age, so am I better off just staying where I’m at? Maybe. Does that mean it’s ok? Hell. No. But it does give me a little different perspective. I found a video online the other day and it was someone interviewing the mistresses of several married men, and they were explaining exactly WHY those men were cheating. They fulfill a need that the wife isn’t providing. It doesn’t matter WHY the wife isn’t providing it. It doesn’t matter if she’s tired after working all day, making dinner, taking care of the kids and the house and doesn’t feel like getting out of bed at 2:00 in the morning to be all June Cleaver-like when he comes strolling in the door. It doesn’t matter that the husband isn’t meeting the wife’s needs either or that he’s being an inconsiderate ass. Our society places more value on men than women. Men are still paid more than women in a lot of fields and it’s all about what men want or need. My counselor proved that, and she’s a self-proclaimed feminist.

I can’t predict the future and I still don’t know what’s going to happen, but as of right now I’m staying with him. It’s my decision and I honestly don’t care who gets upset with me anymore because it’s MY life. However, if I find out he’s seeing that heifer again or anyone else, the kids and I will absolutely leave, and if I have to, I will sell everything we own to provide for them. I’m not a complete doormat. In the meantime, I am working on forgiveness and he is working on earning my trust. Maybe we’ll be able to meet in the middle. Either way, I’m tired of smiling and pretending that everything is ok.

IMPORTANT:
ALSO…..since many of you know me on Facebook, please do not comment about this on there. I am “friends” with many of his family members and I do not want them to know what is going on and risk them saying something to my kids. Besides, I like to keep my mental breakdowns as anonymous as possible. And speaking of anonymous…it was frighteningly easy to find information on that woman. Within an hour, I knew her parents’ names, sibling names, the cities where they live, some husband names, where her dad works, her daughter and granddaughter’s names and where they live, her divorce records, her full name, etc. And there was tons more. People, THAT is scary. There is a website out there where you can put in a person’s email address and it will pull up if you are a member of any social networks, or if you have a blog associated with that email address, and many other things (which is how I found her Pandora account). I put my email address in there and it pulled up pictures of my kids. MY KIDS. And it showed a face picture I had posted on MySpace. This entire situation has made me paranoid about security and I have set everything to either private or friends only. I also deleted my MySpace account. I may delete this blog as well or at least set it to private. The website I’m referring to is www.spokeo.com and if it pulls up anything you don’t want shared, copy the URL for your results page, scroll down to the bottom and click on Privacy and there will be a link to opt out where you paste the URL. I did this for every email account I have. Also, spokeo is not the only website out there that searches for people on social networks. Be aware and be wary, friends.

Discontent

That’s the pervading theme of my life lately. I can’t really put my finger on the reason why, if there even is a reason. It’s more likely a multitude of reasons all converging at once. All I know is that THIS is not what I had in mind as far as where I should be right now and I’m not happy. I’m pretty good at faking being happy though, which is important. Right? Because Lord knows you don’t want to LOOK unhappy and have well-meaning friends, family members, or daycare teachers asking if you are ok and dissolve into a puddle of tears or scream at them DO I FREAKING LOOK OK? So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Who knows? Maybe this is all just a mid-life crisis because SHIT, I’m turning 40 this year. Maybe this is because I’m married to someone who is never home and on those rare occasions he is home, his mind is somewhere else (there is so much more to it than that, but this is absolutely not the right forum to get into my marital issues). Maybe I’m just tired of doing it all myself - working full time and taking care of the house and the kids - and not getting to have a life of my own. Maybe it’s because I’m disgusted with myself due to my inability to get serious about losing weight. Maybe….hell, I could MAYBE this all day long.

All I know is that this feeling of discontent is starting to affect all aspects of my life now and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. For me personally, meds are not really an option. I know they are helpful for a lot of people, but I just can’t do them again. Ever. I suppose I could look into therapy but then I just feel silly calling up and making an appointment because I feel discontent. I have started working out and that is making me feel a little bit better, but I’m not really sure what else I need to do in conjunction with that. There are a couple of mini-vacations coming up soon, and they may make a difference, but at this point I’m not very hopeful. It does feel a little cleansing just to get this out of my head and onto my screen, but I’m not going to make a habit of it. So anyway, there you have it. It’s not a very positive update, but it’s honest.

Project

Last night I went to a class at a local store here called The Paper Crown. I saw the project example in the store and immediately fell in love, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pull it off. After taking the class, I can’t believe how easy it was. Seriously.

The background is a torn up Simplicity pattern, the skirt is a paper that features French post cards, the top of the dress is a paper with flocked polka dots, and the scallop at the bottom and ribbon across the midriff are a black and white striped paper.

The polka dots on the skirt are pieces of tissue paper. Of course, I added a picture of my girl to personalize it a little bit. It's going to hang in her room, after all.

And then we embellished with buttons, wired a hangar through the canvas, and painted around edges.

Quick and easy. It’s basically just decoupage, and now that I’ve made one, I want to do more. I'm thinking something in camo for my son's room...

Keeping it real

Last month I learned something about myself. Mother’s Day was approaching and I had some pretty specific ideas about what I would have liked to happen. I wanted breakfast in bed and my inner princess wanted to be pampered all day long. I wanted my kids to be loving, respectful, unselfish, and to use their indoor voices. I wanted my husband to buy me something – ANYTHING, even something incredibly inexpensive - that he lovingly and thoughtfully picked out. I also wanted to spend time with my good friend at the Oklahoma Fiber Rendezvous.

And then reality laughed and smacked me upside the head.

I got strep a couple of days before Mother’s Day. Then my husband informed me that he had to work. The entire weekend. While I was miserable with strep. And the strep sort of made the Fiber Rendezvous a non-issue. Then my kids decided to act like little hooligans and before long I found myself yelling. And then feeling guilty for yelling on Mother’s Day. I didn’t get a card or present from my husband, but I did receive little hand-made cards (the best kind) from my kids courtesy of daycare and school. Then my husband came home and informed me that we were all going out to dinner. I perked up until he said that his parents were going too (thereby killing two birds with one stone). And we were going to a buffet that serves crappy food.

Totally not the Mother’s Day I envisioned.

But I don’t blame my husband. In this economy, a paycheck trumps my inner princess any day. Yes, he could have been thoughtful enough to plan ahead and buy me a card, but that’s just not like him.

I don’t blame my kids. They were just acting like kids. They don’t stop being kids because I’m sick or because it’s Mother’s Day.

I blame myself. I completely set myself up for failure with the ridiculous expectations that I had. And I do this every freaking year. So this year after I had a good self-pity cry, I had an epiphany. I am the solely responsible for my own happiness. If I want something for Mother’s Day, I need to make it happen. My family is not going to do it. I need to lower my expectations and keep it real. As soon as I had my little a-ha, I got online and ordered my own Mother’s Day present and told my husband he was in charge of getting the kids bathed and put to bed. But aside from the whole strep thing going on and my husband having to work, I managed to take responsibility for my own happiness, change my attitude, and somewhat turns things around. But I bet I do the same damn thing next year.

My gift to myself arrived a few days later. It’s a necklace with two miniature charms that look like dog tags. Each one has my child’s name and birth date engraved on it, and their coordinating birth stones are embedded on the little tags. I love it. When I showed it to my son, he said, “That’s really pretty, mom. You should take that to work and show it to the people there. And you know what they’re going to say?” I looked at him hesitantly and asked, “What?” He said, “She probably went to Jared!”

(I didn’t, but let that be a lesson to those who don’t believe in the power of television marketing. Also, perhaps my son watches a little too much TV.)

Keep it real, people.

An update

Thanks to all of you for the prayers! My mother-in-law's surgery went very well. The doctor removed her kidney and the adjacent adrenal gland. He said that the cancer had definitely spread to the surrounding blood vessels so she is official stage 3 and there will be lots of future follow-up. If anything else starts to grow, they will attack it quickly and aggressively. He also said that chemo is not an option right now because they don't know where in the body the cancer will develop next. So it's basically a wait and see what happens, and we will continue to be hopeful.

And now I have to run so I can take cupcakes to daycare for my girl's 3rd birthday. Sigh... Three already.

Prayer needed

My mother-in-law, Judy, has had a few health issues here lately, and found out last week that she has a tumor the size of an orange on one of her kidneys. The doctor told her it was invading the surrounding blood vessels and they plan to remove the entire kidney. He is 98-99% sure it is malignant.

The surgery will be on April 17th, and she could use any prayers or good thoughts that anyone can spare. I’ll keep everyone posted on how it goes.

It takes so little to make me happy

First time EVER. Yay, Kels!

I'm so happy I'm willing to overlook the fact that her teacher spelled the word "potty" wrong.