Tuesday, April 10, 2007

My hero

I’ve been keeping a secret lately. I’m not happy. I am deeply and profoundly unhappy, and it is starting to affect all aspects of my life. It is mostly due to my feelings of inadequacy at being a good mother. I am overwhelmed just trying to keep us all fed and clean, just doing the bare minimum of what needs to be done every night with little to no support from my spouse. In short, I feel as if I’m failing. Not that I am trying to be a perfect mom or anything, but I feel like I’m failing at just squeaking by. Plus I have been irritable, short-tempered, weepy, and have had a tendency to yell around my kids. I have been struggling with whether or not I should make an appointment with my doctor and discuss the possibility of meds. But I think I mentioned once before that I have done the medication route twice in my life and while it helped at the time, the weaning process was not something I ever want to go through again. It was brutal. However, here I am once again considering medication to help me deal with my feelings of inadequacy and guilt, loneliness, and those thoughts of “Exactly what possessed me to decide to have not just one, but two children?” Add to that one heaping helping of separation anxiety, and you have a recipe for depression.

Enter my mom.

My mother and her husband recently decided that the job opportunities in small town Oklahoma were not plentiful enough to sustain their long-term financial goals, and she would have much better luck coming back to Oklahoma City and looking for a job. She found one! Her husband is in the process of fixing up their house and getting it ready to sell, and she is staying with us through the week nights and going home on the weekends. Once they sell their house, they will look for a place to buy here. One benefit of this plan is that she gets to spend a whole lot more time with her grandchildren. The benefit to me is that I have HELP. I have another adult in the house during the week that I can talk to about things other than the Backyardigans or Ninja Turtles. Baby girl has a loving Grammy here to hold her while I do a few dishes or maybe even a load of laundry. I have time to read to my son without baby girl climbing on me and crying because I’m not holding her. But mostly I am just enjoying not feeling lonely. I know that sounds crazy, feeling lonely when you aren’t actually ever alone, but trust me, it’s accurate. You can be surrounded by your kids 24/7 and if you don’t have another adult to converse with, it gets pretty damn lonely.

I love my kids. I really do. I don’t regret having them, and I still consider them my greatest joy in life. But above being a mom, I am still my own person and I think sometimes that identity gets lost. With my mom here, I am able to be a little more Missy and less Mommy. So my mom is my hero. Her being at my house for the past couple of weeks has done wonders for my disposition, and I think I can make it through this latest blue spell without medication. For now, anyway.


Anonymous Meira (comments AT voirdire DOT org) said...

Oh, "Yay!" for mom.

I can't imagine anyone not understanding what you mean by being lonely. I think it's very common to feel that way, especially if you're not getting support from your partner. I could envision you having lots of friends over everyday and still being lonely for *him*. Maybe mom will watch the kidlets while you & he go to marriage counseling. On the one hand, you need and deserve the support from him, but on the other hand: he needs and deserves the full joys of parenting, and the kids deserve to really connect with their dad.
And you probably know that meds have been wonderful for me, which I suspect has a lot to do with my depression being based mostly in a chemical deficiency. I have to wonder if your depression is actually based in a very natural reaction to some less-than-stellar circumstances, in which case the better bet is exactly as you've chosen: to address the circumstances. If you think you're getting too depressed, the meds will still be available if you needs them.
(But I think that getting hubby a theraputic kick in the pants will work much better, lol)

9:56 AM  
Blogger Procrastiknitter said...

(((HUGS)) Sweetie I have so been there and done that. That was one of the major reasons over our major move from Nebraska to Oklahoma. I worked out of the home, was around tons of people and also was very involved in my community and such but the loneliness was completely overwhelming.

I still struggle with it from time to time. please email me if you ever want to talk about it.

Also, as far as the meds and weaning part, have you ever tried Cymbalta? I LOVE it! It works quickly and is easy to wean off of!

11:57 PM  
Blogger Krista said...

Missy--I totally know how you feel. I just don't write about it because in the past some comments tell me what I should do or feel. I actually (recently) went to the doctor and he put me on Celexa and I am soooooo much better now. I thought I would become abusive since I was so unhappy (and ditto the loneliness). Even though I still feel fairly unsupported by my husband, I feel I can handle it. I needed hope and it give me that. Quite frankly, I don't know how you do it (working full time and having 2 kids and funning a household). I absolutely know I couldn't deal with all that! Glad you have a great mother and this is the hope and tipping of the scales (no pun intended) you needed! Big hug to you!

11:27 AM  
Blogger KatyaR said...

I definitely think we need a Saturday out--of course, the weather needs to cooperate first.

Big, big hugs . . . .

8:20 PM  
Blogger The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Oh Missy,

I am so sorry about what you are going through, and I've been horribly remiss about checking your blog. First, you are in my prayers. Second, this is my email address: ideastowords@gmail.com. Feel free to email me anytime if you need to blow off some steam or need a shoulder to cry on.

I feel for mothers; it's the toughest job in the world, that's why I'm not one!

I'm wondering if there's a support group for mothers who are alone all the time with toddlers out there? Seriously. I bet there are many, many, MANY moms who would resonate with what you're feeling right now.


5:46 PM  

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